Ken then turned to the camera, raised a glass, and said, "From all of us at Coronation Street, may you have the happiest of Christmases and the very best in the new year."
What are you kidding me? It's Coronation Street. As if the day is going to pass quietly. They must come to dread the holidays by now.
Let's begin, shall we?
What Child Is This?
It's Christmas morning, or as David Platt calls it, "Birthmas." She gives Bethany her present, which Sarah says Bethany loved. David mentions that he was going to get her a new voicebox. Sarah takes offense and says she's just contented.
"Sarah," David says, "Trappist monks think she's quiet." He then adds that it would be really lame if someone gave him racing gloves to go with his beater in the driveway. Sarah looks down at her present, looking guilty.
David hands Gail her gift. It looks like Ivy Tilsley's diary. When she opens it, it's just a novel. The title was "Mourning Dakota" but I was hoping it would be "Hard Grinding" by Mel Hutchwright.
Later, Sally and Kevin are there and she and Gail are trying to determine if the chicken is cooked. David asks if Gail ever thought about having him induced early when she was carrying him.
"Of course not," says Gail.
"Do you remember the day or were you all fuzzed out on pills?" he then asks.
"I remember it very well and your father and I were very happy."
Bill and Audrey arrive and Bill wishes a happy Christmas to all and sundry. Audrey wishes David a happy birthday and hands him a present. David tells his grandmother she smells very nice.
"Oh, thank you David." she replies.
"Gin and tonic, ain't it?" he asks.
Later, Gail, Bill, Audrey, Sally, Kevin, David, Sarah-Lou, Bethany, Rosie, and Sophie are all wearing paper hats and tucking into their Christmas meal. Everyone is laughing, even as it's scandalously revealed that Sally's attempt to make a pudding went pear-shaped and she ended up buying one from a store after all. David gives Gail a new present, asking her to open it right there. She does, and finds it's an old book.
"It's Ivy Tilsley's diary," David says, prompting an exchange of looks between Rosie and Sophie.
"I didn't know she could write," Kevin jokes.
David pushes the issue and tells his mother that there's good reading in there and she should read it right now. Sensing her son has a point to make, she quietly refuses and says she'll read it later.
David pulls it from her, point out all the things she's written like Ida Clough's body odour and Vera's nasty coats. Everyone is laughing along and David then reads the following passage:
The table goes silent. David asks Gail if she remembers the date when she went to abort him. Then he asks if anyone wants more sprouts.
Sarah asks why David treats his mum this way and calls him a headcase, before excusing herself from the table. Gail tells David that he was wanted as he is here now. Sally and Audrey try to change the subject by talking about how well the chicken turned out.
Audrey and Bill ask David why he has to do that to his mum when she is doing the best she can. Kevin says he remembers "Poison Ivy" and doesn't think it happened the way she wrote it. Everyone seemed happy to him. Rosie calls David a loser and Audrey agrees, saying that he brings this stuff on himself.
Sally announces that the rum pudding will be ready in ten minutes. Bill says he's looking forward to it as they don't get pudding like that in Germany. (Ah, but it's the Land of Chocolate).
Wow. I don't think this day can get any worse.
The doorbell rings. Gail goes to see who's there and it's ... Maureen. You know, Maureen Webster. Bill's wife. Bill is busy lecturing David on his value when Maureen comes in, yelling "Surprise!" He lets go of Audrey's hand as Maureen drops herself on his lap, telling him how much she missed him.
Maureen asks about some of the old crowd, like ex-husband Fred (dead) and Martin Platt (divorced Gail, had an affair with a minor, moved to Liverpool). David is thoroughly enjoying seeing the adults squirm like this.
Bill then announces he needs to stretch his legs. He is quickly followed by Kevin, then Sally.
When they're outside, Kevin asks, "So, Baldric. What's the cunning plan?" Bill tells Kevin to pretend he has an emergency call. Bill will go with Kevin so he can fetch his things at Audrey's.
They go back inside and begin enacting their Christmas panto when David starts doing the slow clap.
"Oscars all around!" he says.
Maureen asks what he means. He tells her that Bill has been a dirty dog. He then asks Bill whee will he sleep tonight? Kevin's? Or Maureen's? He then lights the rum-soaked dumpling. Maureen jumps up, knocking it over onto the floor. Everyone scrambles to put it out.
Best! Christmas! Ever!
Here We Come A-Wassailing
Sean brings giant chocolate bars to the Grimshaws where they settle in for their own Christmas day. He and Violet call a Christmas truce.
The Barlows are going for Christmas dinner with the seniors. Tracy seems to be missing.
Steve is supposed to be with Amy today but Liz and Fern keep retiring upstairs to
Claire got her dangling earring caught in her scarf.