At stately Battersby-Brown Manor, Les and Ches are discussing joining a Dads n' Lads* bowling league. Cilla doesn't think they'll be joining much of anything when the social worker learns of Les' criminal record.
The would-be parents retire to the Rover's where they rehearse what they will say to the social worker when she poses tough questions like:
Cilla: "Les, why did you lie about your criminal past?"
Les: "Cilla, why are you such a shit mum?"
They do not feel optimistic.
Later the social worker arrives with a big file: Cilla's. She asks Chesney to get her a glass of water. As he leaves, he asks, "What is it you don't want me to hear." She assures him she just wants to speak privately with Les and Cilla, who makes sure Chesney fetches the lady a clean glass.
The worker tells Les it was a mistake to lie about his criminal record, pointing out that his most recent stint was four years ago for assaulting a police officer. Les points out that it was a stitch-up job - it was the policeman who assaulted him.**
Chesney pokes his head in the door to point out that the cop also slept with his wife. It doesn't seem to be going well when Ches pleads that while his mum is crap, she's been better since marrying Les, who in his opinion, is the best. The social worker says she'll bear it in mind but everybody doesn't seem too optimistic.
Later, Les tells a tearful Chesney that no matter what, they're still family. He only lied because adopting Ches was so important to him.
The next day, Les decides he and Ches are going to do some father-son bonding while fishing. As hunter-gatherers, the men will bring home fish while Cilla may cook it. She screams when she opens the fridge to find a box full of maggots that Les intended to use as bait.
Les n' Ches arrive at the canal where they pull up a place alongside Keith and Audrey, who are doing the same thing. Les admits later to Ches that he's never fished and, never having a son before, he thought it would be the thing to do. Just then, he gets a bite from what may well be a big fish. We never find out, however, as a man asks to see Les' fishing license. The only fish on the table that night is from Wong's as hunter-gathered by Cilla. Les decided he's still going to try to adopt Chesney.
Where There's a Will
Leanne is still wondering what to do about the Spanish Will (the one where Adam gets the lot). Janice reminds her to stay mum as she goes off to muck around with Mike's espresso machine. They decide to make a copy of the will, so Leanne can hang on to the original, as insurance.
Leanne goes to the factory to show Danny the copy. Leanne lies and says she doesn't know where the original is. Danny worries that the Spanish Will could have ended up back at Mike's solicitor's, translated into English and is now the final will. He worries that he could lose everything.
The next day, Danny thinks life as they know it could come to an end that afternoon when the will is read.
When he sees Adam outside Underworld, he tells him he's looking at his inheritance.
"Well, half of it," Danny corrects him and suggest drawing a chalk line down the middle of the factory. Danny thinks if they are to work together, they could have tried a little harder when Mike was alive. Adam thinks it's a little late for regrets but Danny thinks it's never too late.
Later with Leanne, Danny talks about how cocky Adam was, reckoning that he already knows about the Spanish Will. He doesn't think he'd ever be able to work with him and may just sell his share of the factory.
At the solicitor's, Danny, Adam, and Jamie go in to hear the will as Frankie, Leanne, and Ken wait outside. The will breaks down as follows:
- Jamie and Warren get £5,000 each.
- Adam gets £10,000.
- Danny gets everything: the factory, the cars, the flat, the collection of size small double breasted suits.
Later at the Rover's, Jamie and Adam reckon Danny pretty much dictated the will, with the state Mike was in. Ken warns against any conspiracy theories and goes to have a talk with Danny.
He suggests that Danny do the decent thing and give Adam his share of the business but Danny says, "No can do." Ken reminds him that Adam is his brother.
"Yeah, well, you can choose your relatives, can you?" asks Danny.
"No," Ken responds. "Otherwise your son wouldn't have picked you."
Danny says he will pretend his didn't hear that.
As Janice and Leanne tastefully celebrate their good fortune with the Rovers' best champagne, Ken begins to wonder if the conspiracy theory isn't a theory after all.
Later, Danny goes to the factory and replaces Mike's voice mail message with his own.
I Wanna Sex U Up
Tyrone admits to Jack and Vera that while he does fancy Molly, he thinks he is far too hirsute and minging for her affections. Jack and Vera tell him that they are leaving for the night on Friday (this is news to Jack) so he will have the house all to himself.
Their romantic evening has all the right elements: a fine meal of pizza, soft lighting, and Vera's Englebert Humperdink records on the stereo. Molly's hair is done up nice and her jubblies are on display. But Tyrone is still too shy and nervous. Molly has had enough. She tells him he thinks she doesn't measure up to Maria.
Tyrone says he thinks Molly is gorgeous and all the things Maria wasn't either: funny, kind, and interested in the same things as Tyrone. He says she'll go off him as soon as she sees him in the nude, due to his hirsuteness.
Ah, but Molly likes hairy men. This cheers up Tyrone and mad passionate, hairy love is made.
Ringo and his Bird.
Vernon and Liz load up the van and move into their dream flat (with the women doing the heavy lifting due to Vernon's wrist). At last, Steve gets his flat back to himself and plans his own romantic evening with Moley.
Then they come back. Turns out the landlord didn't know Vernon was a drummer. And now they're back with Steve. Good thing Moley kept her place.
You're the Birthday! You're the Birthday! You're the Birthday! Boy or Girl!
It's Gail's birthday tomorrow. Hope she doesn't get another boring Richard Hillman card.
*Dads n' Lads was where I was taken to get my hair cut as a child.
**This is true. Janice was married to said cop at the time. The only witness was the cop's partner, Emma Watts, wife of Curly. Despite her better judgement, she lied at the trial and said Les was the aggressor, which led to his imprisonment.