Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Update - July 18th - It's a Wedding!

Tonight, I'm filling in for Jacqueline, who's jetting off to the Middle East to help broker a lasting peace agreement. She'll be back to do the update for tomorrow night.

Well folks, it's come to this: the Wedding of Century. Let's get to it. Altogether now:

I'm getting married in the morning

Despite having passed out in his house and on top of "Billy" (aka the drunk Cilla picked up and took him), Les awakens at the Streetcars office. Turns out Cilla had Kirkules come 'round and take him away. Lloyd suggests a hangover breakfast from Roy's as Les dispatches his young squire Kirk to St. Jude's church with some cover story about a dying uncle.

Meanwhile, Chez Battersby, stylist to the stars Yana is doing Cilla's hair and makeup. As Bridecilla turns around, we see Yana's crowning achievement: three curls coming down her forhead, forming sixes. Yes, Cilla is about to enter a church, illegally, with the Number of the Beast on her forehead. She dashes out of the room as Les comes in and asks if Best Man "Billy" is ready to head off to church. Cilla calls out from the kitchen that he's on a "special mission" in the Gulf and won't be able to make it. Kirk will have to step in as best man after all. Suddenly, a man enters wearing what appears to be a French Foreign Legion uniform (Mare, you're the war expert. I'm 99% sure it is but can you confirm?). It's the real Billy! Cilla's eldest son and Fiz and Chesney's half-brother. Cilla says it's great that the general didn't need him after all and Billy catches on (he's a Brown, after all). Fitting, I'd reckon, that the only army someone from this clan would get into was the "No Questions Asked" army.

Les says this isn't the same guy but Cilla tells him he was too drunk to tell last night. As Billy and Les drive to the church, Les still thinks Billy was a few inches shorter. Billy tells that's the army boots, designed to frighten the enemy. If he likes, he can get him a pair. Suddenly, Les is distracted by Status Quo's Francis Rossi, who is standing on the side of the road, speaking on a mobile phone. Les takes his eyes off the road and then takes his cab smack into the back of Status Quo's van, injuring Rick Parfitt's neck. Parfitt asks if Led Zeppelin are paying Les to keep attacking them. Les roars off to Casuality as Rick drops to the ground in pain.

Ding dong the bells are gonna chime

Sarah and the recently returned Scooter (seriously the guy just vanished after his court case) are discussing the wedding. Sarah-Lou thinks it will be romantic and mushy when they say their vows. Sarah, this is the same wedding, right? Scooter isn't interested in going to the wedding of some people he doesn't know nor like. Besides, he'd rather watch TV all day, especially when there's a Victor Mature film on TV.

Pull out the stopper, let's have a whopper

On her special day, Cilla admires herself in the mirror. She becomes emotional.

"I've got a lump in my throat!" she says.

"That's not the only place!" Fiz adds.

Fiz wants to know if Cilla is supposed to be the Bride of Chucky or the Bride of Frankenstein.

Cilla dispatches Fiz to pick up her flowers from Tracy (wait, she still works for living? Seriously?). Fiz says she won't get much, being skint and all. Cilla says to leave that part to Yana.

But at the flower shop, Tracy tells them no money = no flowers.

But get me to the church on time

Leanne steps off the bus to greet a waiting Janice. She says she had to come back for her dad's wedding and woudn't miss it for the world. Janice says if Les has any sense, he'll miss it.

Jamie pauses as he sees her across the street. Leanne suggests she and Janice to the Rovers. She believes if Jamie still looks at her like that, then there's still hope.

I've got to be there in the morning
Billy and Les arrive at the church, with Les now sporting a neck brace.

Chesney is thrilled to see his big brother. Kirk tells Les that the Vicar bought his story and left ten minutes ago. He gives Les a flower for his lapel, telling him that there's a whole bush of them nearby. Les tells him you can't steal a vicar's flowers but Father Hunter S. Abraham puts things into a more spiritual perspective:

'The flora and fauna were made by the hand of the Almighty, as I said to that magistrate when I was caught with that frozen chicken.'

Unfortunately, the church is locked with a note, warning of a prowler described as a ginger-haired middle-aged man. Kirk reckons that they caught Les casing the joint.

Spruced up and looking in my prime

Back at the Rover's Leanne asks if she can join Jamie. he says she may as well, she does what she likes anyway.

She tells him she came back for him and she needs him. Jamie figured as much and tells her to go to the wedding.

Leanne tells him the only wedding she wants to go to is theirs. Jamie says it would all just be an act and if she really cared for him, she'd put him out of his misery.

Girls come and kiss me, show how you'll miss me

Billy attempts to put his Foreign Legion skills to the test and tries to pick the lock of the church. Failing that, he busts the window and sends Chesney through to open the door.

Father Hunter S. Abraham says the power of prayer is a wonderous thing and forces the men down on their knees to thank God. He truly is filled with the Holy Spirit. And booze.

But get me to the church on time

Yana having failed to get the flowers from Tracy, Cilla attempts to negotiate their release. Tracy does not budge from her original offer. Cilla tries to push her way in but Tracy boots her to the curb and then sticks a 'for sale' sign on the flowers in the window. Cilla grabs Joshua's tricycle and throws it through the Barlow front window but this pushes the flowers further inside the house. As Tracy comes screaming out of the house, she jumps into the limo, driven by Lloyd, the getaway driver, but not before she nicks some flowers from Dev's window display.

In the limo, Cilla thinks the flowers smell artificial but Lloyd tells her that's disinfectant. Some girls the previous evening had a 21st birthday party and redecorated.

If I am dancing, roll up the floor

Sarah-Lou sees Jason has gone stag to the wedding and starts flirting with him. I know they have history and all but this seems quite sudden. Meanwhile back at the Rover's Charlie tells Violet to stop punishing Jason when it's Charlie who's the bad guy. He says Jason will take her back in an instant but warns that he won't wait around forever.

If I am whistling, *whew* me out the door

At the church, Les tells Kirk to make sure he plays track six on the Classical Crackers CD when Cilla walks in (Dr. Zhivago) and NOT track eight (TJ Hooker).

Chesney tells Les he's helpfully cleaned up Schmeichel's land mines in the aisle. He tells Les that he's the best uncle he's ever had.

As Cilla and the bridesmaids pull up, Father Abraham says they need to use the side door when he sees Cilla's three sixes on her forehead and starts quoting the Book of Revelation.

When she arrives at the aisle, she says this is as good as it's ever going to get for her so she might as well enjoy it. As she walks down the aisle to Handel's Zadok the Priest (and not Dr. Zhivago as it turns out), the guest look on aghast. Audrey makes sure Eileen is aware that she is not responsible for her hair.

Father Abraham begins the service. When he gets to the part about fidelity (ha!), Kirk spots the vicar returning unexpectedly. Father Abraham puts the service on fast forward and Les and Cilla literally run down the aisle as Kirk tries to head off the vicar at the pass.

Fred exclaims, "I've heard of marry in haste but this is ridiculous!" Audrey wonders if they're trying for a record. Yes, Norris adds, most morons in a single car as Les, Cilla, Yana, Fiz, Billy, Chesney, Father Abraham, and Schmeichel all pile into the limo. Bev is disappointed that she didn't even get a chance to throw her confetti. Blanche says with her Shelley, that confetti's seen more weddings than Elizabeth Taylor!

Kirk asks the vicar spiritual questions like what hobbies God has. The vicar asks Kirk if he is on drugs and informs him that he doesn't have any money.

The limo pulls up and Les yells out, 'Wahey! We're going crazy! And we're going today!' Nice church you've got mate!' and Kirk jumps in. The vicar recognises Les as Cilla shouts, 'You might want to wash your front step. The dog's christened it!'

Father Abraham tosses his robes out the window and Cilla tosses her bouquet as they pull off to the strains of Status Quo's 'Rockin' All Over The World.'

And that, my friends, is how you do a wedding.


kristin said...

my husband, too, pointed out that billy was wearing a french legion uniform....

Jacqueline said...

Woo hoo John! Great job...thanks for the visuals - especially the Liza wedding pic

Pamer said...

HEy John, What was Titanium's terrible secret that Lois found out and why was Superman being so SuperDickerish about it.

Great wedding by the way!!

papasmurf said...

Excellent update. I bow in the presence of greatness. If I could only figure out how to do the picture insert trick. Sadly I have the brain of Kirk...

John said...

It's not Titanium, it's Titanman! His terrible secret is that his condoms don't work. And he's ugly.

GoBetty said...

There are probably only two armed forces any offspring of Cilla could join - The French Foreign Legion and The Kiss Army.

Pamer said...

Billy's uniform makes me think that he really isn't in the armed forces, French or English, but that, being a Brown, he has lied to his family and has probably spent most of his life in and out of jail. The Military is justa story.

It's got to be from a fancy dress shop

kowy said...

As much as the Battersby/Brown wedding was a total farce, I did notice that when Cilla was entering the church, she had a split-second when she softened up and actually seemed happy.

It was almost touching.

Oh. And WHAT was Audrey wearing on her head?

Pamer said...

But Cilla also said something like "This is the best I'm ever going to get" ...was she disappointed or happy?? i'm not sure.

The 666 curls...LOL. I'm still laughing over that one. Especially the vicar quoting Revelations...

John said...

I think Cilla had that moment of clarity: the choices she's made in her life have all led to this moment. She was sad that things weren't better but happy that they weren't worse. It was a rare moment of humanity from her and a chance for her to be a little more self-aware and less of a shrieking harpy 24/7.

missusmac said...

Is it me, or were there more people at this wedding than there were at the Shelley/Charlie fiasco?

Guess you can't stop people from going to the circus!