Monday, June 12, 2006
Still Rubbing the Sleep from my Eyes - UPDATE
Children, I see you is anxious. I'm still 'recovering' from last night's events which included being exposed to by 5 gentlemen in kilts - each ass whiter than the previous. (I wish this was a joke.)
I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me
Bev gets 'Slag' written over her front door and bags of men's clothing dumped on her front door. Fred comforts her and paints her door immediately.
We find out that her stalker is Barry the Plumber's (Liz's new love interest) wife who thinks it's Bev he's been fooling around with because his car is always parked out in front.
At that point, Liz throws Barry on the street as she finds out about his wife. When she meets Mrs. Plumber she says, 'If you want to know why he cheats, just look in the mirror.'
See...this is why I hate Liz. Why would she say that? This woman has just caught her husband in an affair (with you, btw) and you decided to kick her in the head.
Liz, you're not just a hooor, you're kind of a bitch too.
A Rabbi and a Priest Walk Into a Cab....
Eileen has taken too much abuse from Les and the whole call name fiasco, and decides to quit. Steve has to get Lister (aka Red Wolf) to apologize to her, drop the call names and buy her a drink.
It's Like Seeing Nessie, Sasquatch or Maris
You don't believe this person exists, but then they appear like a vision of the blessed virgin in a taco.
Later today I'll provide a full history for those of you who are not familiar with her, but Norris's ex-wife Angela shows up at the Kabin. This character has been mentioned for YEARS, and we've never seen her (other than a hat shot at her and Norris's wedding).
She waltzes in Kabin, offers Norris a good job at her stationary firm, invites him out for dinner and tells him that they are getting married - in between telling him to send back his food and to order dessert and get his teeth fixed...etc. etc.
It was women like these that I believe made Britain great..Angela would frighten Thatcher.
Anyway, Norris decides that it's all too much and boots her back onto the street, preferring to stay with Rita. Rita decides to offer Norris a junior partnership in the shop and he is happy and is thinking of renaming the shop the 'Kole Hole'.
Chesney's In Love
Chesney admits to Les that he likes Sophie and 'wot should I do, Uncle Les?' Les's advice is to 'be yourself'.
Later, Chesney is over at Sophies and because of a practical joke gone horribly wrong, he needs to use the bathroom. And because that house has the 'Carry On Curse' (whereby you walk in on people in various stages of undress), he finds himself getting a full frontal view of Mrs. Webster.
He tells Les and makes him promise not to tell anyone. Les promises. Les tells everyone. Now Sophie is mad at Chesney and won't talk to him.
And Now Our Top Story...
As Shel makes final arrangements for the wedding, she decides to go out to buy a wedding dress but needs Zak to help her with this trip 'outdoors'. She comes back all happy and excited which Charlie must crush immediately.
He says that if she is so successful with this shopping trip, she mustn't need Zak anymore and does the whole, 'It's him or me' schtick. She decides to fire Zak (who tells her that she has his number if he needs it - cause he can clearly see what's going on.).
Fred offers his services to walk her down the aisle which she accepts and adds something like, 'if it's not too much bother'. Fred responds with my favorite line of the morning,
'What? Wear a nice suit, escort a beautiful woman and make a speech? I'm Fred Elliot, I thrive on this.'
Glacia raises her morning glass of vodka in the air and screams, 'Hurrah!'
Bev, Violet, Deidre, Betty, Liz, and Sunita (did I forget anyone?) decided to throw a surprise hen party for Shel. It was probably a bad idea to do the 'surprise' bit for someone's who recovering from being a shut in, because when she came into the room, she just ran back upstairs again.
Sunita ran up to get her to talk to her and convince her to come back down. She succeeds, but in the process finds out about Charlie's Zak ultimatum and tells she that she *might* want to think about postponing the wedding for a bit.
The hen party is in full swing and Betty's hammered on Absinthe, Liz is doing her best Gloria Gaynor on the karioke machine and Deidre is doing headstands. (THIS is how hip injuries occur.)
Sunita and Violet start talking and V mentions that Charlie has been sleeping around, which Bev overhears. All hell breaks loose as Bev announces that V has something to tell Shel, and V decides to confess the 'Charlie kissed me' story. At this point all the lady's are telling Shel that they love her and that they think marrying Charlie would be a mistake.
Shel responds with, 'Screw you guys, I'm going home.' She says that their protests make her even more resolved to marry Charlie because, 'I love him' (said through a veil of tears).
Meanwhile, Charlie spends his last night (HA!) of freedom in the sack with Glacia, I mean, some slag. He grudgingly gets his ass out of bed and shows up at the church just in the nick of time and plonks himself down in the front pew. When Shel makes it to the alter, he has to get off his ass and drag himself up to stand with her.
Minister does all the blah, blah, 'Does anyone know of a reason....' blah, blah, blah....'Do you Charlie....' blah, blah, blah. Charlie says, 'Yes'.
'Do you Shel....' blah, blah, blah.
TADA!!! Confetti goes up and everyone is pleased.
What the hell is a Jimmy Saddle, Saveau, Stravo, Sade, Snuffleupaguss?
How are these wedding invitations decided? Seriously, I can never figure who gets invited to who's wedding. Deidre, Blanch and Ken go, but the kids don't? (okay, fine the elders are representing the Barlows.) Candice is invited because why? (She admits she barely knows the bride.) Fred is important enough to walk Shel down the aisle, but Ashely doesn't get an invite?