Monday, May 15, 2006

Update: Episode 2: Brazen Tarts and Common Trollops

She's a Hoo-ah!

Gail peaks through her net curtains and sees that Dr. Phil's Vauxhall has been parked in front of Eileen's, in the words of Lionel Ritchie, all night long. That can only mean that 1) he stayed the night, 2) they did it, and 3) Eileen ensured that he left the car outside just so Gail would know they did it.

Meanwhile, at Eileen's House of the Rising Sun, she and Sean are having a cup of tea. She says he did her feet and nothing else. Jason comes in a puts two and two together and figures Dr. Phil stayed the night as well. He is disgusted that a woman her age who behave in such a way and leaves.

Eileen informs Sean that he only left his car there so that Kevin could do his MOT but thinks it's fun to let Jason think his mum is an old tart.

Later, Jason finds Gail in the Kabin. Gail says she is always amazed by the Grimshaws: Jason trying it on with Gail, his brother's "antics," and now Eileen with the "pervert with a foot fetish."

Jason says he, too, is disgusted with his mother's actions, saying that Dr. Phil was still in bed when he left (Eileen told him she must have worn the good reflexologist out).

Later, in the Rovers, Eileen meets up with Dr. Phil, who has no clue he is the subject of such intense gossip right now. She cleverly susses out that he is single.

Gail comes in as Phil is showing Eileen various pressure points on her hand. Phil says hello but Gail gives him her back. He is confused, as she seemed very friendly before.

"It's her age. HRT. Hot, cold. Up, down. That's Gail."

Sarah wants to know why Gail cares so much. Because, Gail tells her, she wants some excitement in her life. She figures she should have appeared desperate like Eileen as that's what he obviously responds to. Gail, of course, has never appeared desperate.

Phil heads out, Gail ignores him.

The ensuing conversation is too good not to reprint ver batim (more or less):

Eileen: 'What's up? Jealous are you? I know you were lying when you said Phil couldn't fit me in. I bet you were pig sick when he did.'

Gail: 'I'm more amazed that anyone would go near your feet given the state of your net curtains.'

Eileen: 'He said my feet were wonderful. A joy to touch!'

Gail: 'At least I didn't have to pay.'

Eileen: 'At least I'm not a charity case.'

Gail: 'I bet you had to pay for extras. No man would spend the night with you without some form of compensation.'

Eileen: 'And the only thing a man ever seems to want to do with you is drive you into the canal!'

Gail: 'You only got interested in him because you knew I was.'

Eileen: 'Is it any wonder blokes run a mile with your track record?'

Gail: 'Have any of your kids 'seen' their fathers? I shudder to think what goes on under your roof. Strays and alley cats, someone needs to throw a bucket of water over you.'

The fight is then broken up. Sean declares Eileen the winner. As do we all.

Gail seethes at Sarah-Lou that if that "brazen tart" wants Dr. Phil, she's going to have to fight Gail for him.

RITA'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S -- oh, wait.

Norris finds Rita slumped over and lifeless on the chesterfield. He returns to the Kabin in shock and tells Jack, Blanche, and Sally that she's dead. After much crying and hugging, they all pile into Rita's apartment to see the corpse.

Rita suddenly rises to life, to everyone's shock. Norris says he couldn't feel a pulse. Blanche retorts: 'I'm not surprised under all that make-up.' Rita asks Norris if he tried to give her the kiss of life. He looks away.

Later, Norris tells Rita if she died he'd have no job and no prospects. He asks for a partnership in the Kabin, which Rita refuses. He tells her he's going to look for another job.

Flavor of Love, Part Two

Keith and Audrey meet for their dinner date. Audrey is all dolled up for a evening sampling the culinary delights at ... the Rover's.

As Keith peruses the menu, Audrey says she's lost her appetite, until she realises she is the subject of some local gossip, vis a vis Blanche and Vera. She sticks her tongue out at them. Vera says she always thought she was a common trollop. Keith tells Audrey she reminds him of Grace Kelly, only before the accident. They have a good laugh and she suddenly gets her appetite back. The agree to a second date, but only if Audrey does his hair.

No comments: