Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Scratch, Stretch, Yawn...Post Olympics Warmup UPDATE

(Special Mardi Gras shout out to my girl, MJ.)

Glacia gets her ass off the couch, bends her neck to the left, to the right, scratches her leg, yawns and shuffles towards the kitchen for cup of tea. Once said tea is prepared, she grabs a Dutch bickie and moves slowly back to the couch - careful to step over sleeping German Shepherd.

Still opening her eyes and patting her bedhead - she grabs the remote and clicks on the CBC (whom she still hasn't forgiven for the Wonderland issue)just in time to hear the haunting refrain play as the camera scans over Weatherfield. Glacia wonders why the hell they didn't just replace the cat for the opening shot.

And so it begins, with 24 medals under our belt, Canada resumes its regular schedule programming.

Night of the Living Shel.

Okay - when even Charlie is thinking you're crazy, it's time to 'Get back to your real life, bitch!'

The opening scene had Charlie at Shel's bed side where they are once again doing their 'It's just you and me against the world, babe' schtick. For a moment I thought the CBC was rerunning episodes from 3 weeks ago and I was ready to send a strongly worded letter to Casey AND Finnegan.

So Shel is afraid to come back to work. Charlie spends the episode trying to convince her to come back and they make a few attempts at having her come-down-the-stairs. But she keeps on just running BACK up those stairs - the final attempt being when she see Sunita.

This story line is getting old as far as I'm concerned.

Mommy Dearest
Bev is worried that she is a bad mom for Shel.

Um...okay...you kind of have been a crap mom.

Liz assures her that she is a brill mom.

No, not with your track history.

And Baby Makes Three
Haley catches Sunita reading a baby magazine, but Sunita passes it off as shark research. (WTF?) And wouldn't you know it, Roy, just happens to know a LOT about sharks.

So the two couples are at the Rovers where Roy gives a 2 hour lecture on all things Jaws. The level of boredom is so dangerously overwhelming that Sunita, obviously fearful for her life and that of her unborn child's, changes the subject by announcing her pregnancy. Dev jumps on the parade and buys the house a round of drinks.

He even tells Charlie who congratulates them both. Charlie then uses this news to lure Shel into becoming one of the ex-housebound. 'Sunita's got some news for you, but you'll just have to walk across the street and get it yourself.'

Help Wanted
Maria convinces Tyrone to drop hints around the garage that he's being offered a job at another place so that Kev will give him a raise. Being the soul of discretion, Tyrone slips the newspaper ad into Kev's jeans. 'My god! How did THAT get in there?'

Kev calls both Maria and Tyrone idiots and that's about the end of that.

On the other job front, Danny offers Sal a job as a machinist with a view to being a supervisor and Sal jumps at the opportunity.

Days of Wine and Beer
Steve runs into his mom, just as she's making arrangements with 'Bob' (be sure to pronounce it with menacing Manchester accent when reading this) to go to a wine testing event.

This confirms to Steve that 'Bob' is obviously gay. Later we see him in all his Homer Simpsonesque glory, sprawled out on the couch with his male pattern baldness and beer asking Tracey why anyone in their right mind go to a wine tasting event.

No worries Stevo - help is on the way. No longer must wine be an inaccessible commodity only fit for the hauty blue bloods!

I have recently received the following exciting news.

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine", said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

Source: That goofy dutch girl I know who always sends me joke emails


MJ said...

Like Roy, I can go on and on ad nauseum about any topic. Sharks for instance. A shark was thought to have fallen pregnant - after marine experts played Barry White records into her tank. Staff at the Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre thought it was just a bit of fun when they had Barry White serenade their tropical sharks. But 12 months on, it seems the romantic music did the trick. Then there was the Italian couple who wed in a shark tank. Then scientists discovered a new species of shark that uses its fins to hop rather than swim. Stop me before you doze off. The only difference between Roy spouting info and me spouting info, is that I yammer on whilst wearing wearing Mardi Gras beads and leopard print.

The cheap plonk from Wal- Mart? Growing up in smalltown Ontario, we had a phrase for enjoying cheap wine: “Come Alive On A Dollar Five!” Good times.

mare said...


i remember the halcyon days of clubbing at unb fredericton when you could get quarter bar shots. "tanked on a toonie", we called it.

did stepford shel (and who coined that, btw? kudos, it's brill) develop agoraphobia somehow? weird.

GoBetty said...

At Dalhousie we had "smokers" (dunno why they were called that...) - which meant going over to the men's residence common room on a Friday night and buying cold Nova Scotia bottled beer for 50 cents each. 50 cents a beer is not too fuckin' bad of a deal (sorry, some Trailer Park Boys lingo is creeping in!! Bubbles anyone??).

Mass-produced discount wine... is another story.

I have LOVED the "French Rabbit" cab-sav - the one that comes in the tetra pak, and it's totally cheap-ass man. There's no need to go to Wal-Mart for wine. The LCBO, or however you buy your plonk where you live, has lots of good value bottles (tetra paks??) available. I find though that it is rare to find something good for under $10.

Jacqueline said...

If only it came with it's own bendy-straw.

BTW - I am the creative genius behind both 'Stepford Shel' and 'Weatherfield 90210'.

But neither will surpass 'Doris'

Ang said...

LOVE Bubbles lol never thought I'd see a TPB reference on Corrie Canuck.

Anonymous said...

J, You are not the only one that is mad at the CBC about Wonderland. Have you seen this? http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20060227.wxnote27-1/BNStory/Entertainment/home Way to throw a hissy-fit George!