Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Fan Mail (update)

Dear Mr. Barlow,

I've never written a fan letter before, but I just can't resist sending you this.

Mr. Barlow, the way you told your wife that you weren't going on an outing because you simply didn't want to - that was the cooliest. You are so groovy, Mr. Barlow.

Then the way you told Tracey that you weren't going to babysit because - you - didn't - want - to...I thought I might pass out right there and then.

I never thought that could be attracted to man 33 years my senior, but gee, Mr. Barlow you are the keenest.

I, like, wrote 'Mrs. Jacqueline Barlow' a million times last night and made sure that I dotted the 'i' with a heart for good luck. Then I took all that paper and ran to the local make out area and dug a hole and put it in - I just KNOW this will work and then I can come live with you on Cornation Street, and you can take me out to the Rovers, and we can share a hotpot and I can make fun of your ex-wife, but if you ever started to miss her, I'd buy a pair of big glasses.

Hopeless in Toronto.


Dear Mrs. Harris,

You suck. You suck because you didn't turn in the woman who killed your husband.

But you especially suck for raising such a whiny, selfish idiot in the first place.

The Websters invited you over for a nice meal and you had to go ruin it with your complaining about the police not finding the 'real killer'.

C'mon lady! We know who killed J.R.!

Fed Up in Flin Flon


Dear Wee Chesney,

Are you the cutest thing!

The way you pretended not to get any Easter Chocolate so that half the town's folk give you large eggs themselves.

Smiling Nan in Naniamo.


Dear Ms. Barlow,

You are an evil lady but I like your style.

Too bad your 'real' dad doesnt' have any money to leave you. You must be dissappointed, but you seem genuine when you said you were glad to meet him anyhow.

BTW - when your mom asked you to strap Amy in the car and you said, 'Oh can't she just go on the roof?' - that was pretty freaking funny.

Smoking Monkey in Moncton


Dear David,

Getting everyone to believe that Bethany ate 2 large live goldfish - brilliance.

Cranky in Calgary


John said...

"Oh, can't she just go on the roof?"

That has to be the line of the week.

I've never a show with so many slipshod parents living in one place. It's delightful.

mare said...

i had visions of amy in a little world war one leather cap and aviator goggles, with a flapping scarf, strapped onto a luggage rack.

and then maybe they'd hunt for the red baron!