Thursday, October 06, 2005

Advice

Dear Doris,

My boyfriend who is 20+ years my senior has been have some difficulties right now. He has a hangering moth of an ex-wife, he's in danger of losing his job/career as a nurse, my family despises him and I've been hounding him into marriage.

As a clear thinking, mature 16 year old, what can I do to cheer him up?

Signed, Ahoy Me Katy!

Dear Chips Ahoy,

You must immediately tell him of your pregnancy. The minute he comes down from that joyous news, let him know that it was no accident - that you intentionally stopped taking the pill.

He will embrace you as his one true love - you have my word.

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Dear Rabbi,

I suspect that my boyfriend is doing more than dog walking for the lady up the street.

How can I confirm this?

Love, Fizzy Pop

Dear Pop,

Grab your closest male co-worker and follow your boyfriend to her home. When you discover that he is being 'entertained' by a bountiful belly dancer - take this as a cue for you to take up bellydancing yourself.

He can only love you more.

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Dear Prime Minister Martin,

Businessman to businessman, I think I can trust your advice.

Recently, a friend of mine lost all his shops to a crazed arsonist. Being a skilled contractor myself, the job of rebuilding his stores naturally came to me.

My question is, seeing how I saved his fiance during the blaze, what would be the appropriate amount of money to gauge him for?

Signed
Charlie the Tuna

Dear Tuna Breath,

The answer is clear.

It's not your friend who is footing the bill, but rather his insurance company. This means it behooves you to order twice the amount of materials needed to finish the job.

On a side note, if your girlfriend questions you about it, remind her that she is getting fat and therefore has no right to an opinion.

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Dear Zsa Zsa,

I'm trying to keep my marriage together, however, my boss is making having an affair with him very financially attractive.

I could rebuff his advances and go back to my humble life as Good Ol' Sal - or I could go all the way with him and introduce my family to wealth beyond their wildest dreams.

Zsa-zsa, you've had 9 successful marriages, what would your advice be?

Sally Go Round.

Dear Round,

I say be a simple hausfrau.

And by that I mean, have the affair and when your marriage goes to shit and breaks up, make sure you keep the Haus, darlink.

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There you go Possums, your update!

3 comments:

John said...

I'm hoping Thelma the Belly Dancer stays on permanantly.

Pamer said...

wasn't she on Dr. Who? She looks very familiar.

I think she played the prime minister that ends up being an alien.

I think

Jacqueline said...

good eye!

Annette Badland and she was on Dr. Who.